I’m sure that most people would agree that behaving morally is both desirable and is about being a decent human being: trying to treat others as you would have them treat you; caring for children, old people, the sick and disadvantaged in society; doing the things you know (or should know) are right for the human race as well as for your neighbours; being truthful; living up to and sticking with your promises and so much more.
What it’s not about, unless you’re breaking a promise by doing so, or you lie in the process, is who you have sex with! What that’s about is religion and convention. It’s your personal choice. It’s often referred to as being moral or otherwise, but it’s actually something entirely different!
In a recent episode of the lunchtime TV show “Loose Women” broadcast in the UK (and, in my opinion, one of the best, most insightful and funniest shows on TV), I was delighted that the panel of four women were equally divided about whether women could detach themselves from their emotions sufficiently in order to fully enjoy casual sex. However, they all accepted that theirs was a personal attitude and the fact is that, due to their upbringing (which the women acknowledged was a major factor) both women and men can find that separation difficult. Generally, though, that means it can be harder for women than for men, simply because of the different attitudes they have learned from their parents and society. Interestingly, though, none of the women tried to suggest that it was in any way “immoral” for single people to enjoy casual sex and I regard that as a big step forward in terms of enlightenment.
If you are married, or have a long term partner and you have promised fidelity to each other, then breaking that promise is immoral. If you no longer feel that you can keep that promise, then you should probably have the guts to come right out and say so. Of course, that’s the ideal, but I dare say many people would struggle with it and I can see it might even be understandable, but it does bring sex into the realms of immorality. However, that might be solely because we have unreasonably introduced the idea of fidelity into relationships and given it a significance that such a notion does not deserve (see my earlier post on demanding fidelity).
Other than questions of mendacity and vows made, I can’t otherwise see any connection between morality and sex. Surely beating a child, or a woman, or killing hundreds of innocent civilians is so plainly an immoral act and cannot possibly be compared with who a person sleeps with and when (assuming they are both consenting adults).
To my mind, sexual fidelity is simply a convention with some very debatable benefits, whilst real morality is something entirely different and absolutely vital to the human race, if we are ever to achieve the separation we claim and boast of between us and other animals on this planet, but so lamentably and frequently fail to demonstrate!
Tags: Culture & Relationships, morality, Relationships, sex, sexual relationships, western culture
02/12/2008 at 23:01
I loved Loose Women when I lived in the UK particularly the Scottish journalist who is very quick and very funny – I just cannot remember her name.
Dishonesty is just a bad thing all around no matter what its about. Sure people make mistakes and are human but to mislead another person and continue to do so until caught out is wrong.
To me its not about sexual fidelity or whatever. Its about having an agreement with someone and breaking it. If you agree to have an open relationship then so be it – its a joint decision. If you have an exclusive relationship and break the agreement and therefore mislead another person and deceive them then it is immoral. That is not such a great relationship to be in if you cannot be honest with your partner. But, given so many people are out there doing it and do not think its such a big deal then perhaps society has moved on and some things like honesty are no longer important.
Betrayal is the worst and to me trying to hide something like that means there is guilt involved. I have always been an open person and find it hard to lie. Thats not to say I havent but the truth comes out very quickly. Guilt is a bad thing.
To each their own but if you choose to be in a committed relationship then I think honesty is extremely important. If someone lies to me twice I have no time for them. I have had to learn that the hard way. Marriage of course was introuduced at a time when people didnt live such long lives. Therein lies the issue. Perhaps we are not meant to be with the same person forever. I would prefer to be in a committed relationship and all it entails for a number of years as opposed an open relationship for life. That’s just me – i am an all or nothing kind of girl.
02/12/2008 at 23:21
@Lilly: Oh, I do so agree with you. Welcome back by the way – glad you got home OK.
It must be a very difficult decision for some, though. They know that, if they admit infidelity, then the relationship is over, but they do still, or have come to, love their partner – just not in that way any longer (I’m talking about men AND women here).
I agree with you that a loved one deserves honesty, no less … and yet … well I’m glad that dilemma is not one that I face, is all I can say.
04/12/2008 at 00:06
Well said CJ, well said!