Sex and Relationships

There does appear to be a difference between men and women – apart from the obvious and very enjoyable ones. Naturally, it’s equally very true that nothing ever applies to everyone, but, to me, there is a general tendency for men to be looking for sex and then fall into a steady relationship in spite of their resolve not to, whilst women are often looking for a longer term relationship and finding they want sex in spite of their determination that, this time, it will be about emotion first and foremost.

The end result is the same, of course, but women in particular do often worry more about what their partner thinks of them as a person, while the man will perhaps regard her as a “stunner” and hasn’t got much beyond that fact, unless she’s particularly unpleasant in some way.

Can I please just say this to women? Of course us guys care about and value you as a person (well, most of us do) – it’s perhaps not the first thing we think of about a woman we’re romantically involved with (or even one we’re about to meet for the first time) but it does matter. The problem is, try as most of us honestly do, we don’t understand much about you. So, love you dearly as we might, in our strange way, the tendency is to stick with what we initially see, know and can relate to – like you’ve got great legs, or the sexiest ass we’ve come across in ages.

Conversely, a friendship between man and a woman can be the greatest ever and they would each probably die to protect the other, but they may well not be lovers. Lovers are often something else entirely, but, like friends, they may have different priorities and I think both should accept and value those differences.

Let me put it this way: if a woman has a great male friend and they are not lovers, she might adore (in a platonic way) everything about him – even the fact that he chases one woman after another, because it doesn’t directly affect her! If she has a lover, then I can understand she might want to be the only woman in his life, or at least his bed, but surely it is a compliment if he sees her above all else as being the best lover he’s ever had. Additionally, many a man sees the differences between his and his partner’s attitude to life and everything else as what makes her interesting to be with, rather than a barrier to their relationship – as well as a great lay, of course.

What’s wrong with any of that? They have entirely different approaches to their relationship and perhaps have totally opposing priorities, but I can’t really see why that seems to matter so much to some people. This whole “he only wants me for sex” syndrome, although it was probably initially directly a result of (now outdated) ideas about virginity and anyway devalues good sex, now seems to me to be largely due to the modern desire of women (quite naturally) for appreciation as a person equal to men in every respect (particularly in the workplace and life in general), which they once were not and still aren’t in some cultures and even in some walks in life.

What puzzles me most, thought, is why would a woman care that much why a man continues to want to be with her? To me it smacks of an attitude that’s based on a woman enticing a man into her life through a desire for sex and then expecting him to stay even though she can’t be bothered to remain sexy for him. That, in my view, is just as bad as a man who traps a woman emotionally by professing undying love for her and then, once they have set up home together and she is pregnant, carries on his previous bachelor life and treats her as no more than an unpaid skivvy. Either way, it’s a total lack of respect for the other’s desires, priorities, wellbeing and worth – and that’s not love, or even caring!

Personally, I can’t see why we don’t always celebrate the differences between men’s and women’s attitude to sex and relationships just as much as we seem to value any similarities. Why, oh why don’t we just accept other people as they are? If we don’t like what they are, then fine, that’s our prerogative, but I don’t think it’s right to say that men should be this, or women should be that.

So, how about a New Year Resolution to try harder to be a bit more tolerant in the coming year and simply accept that it doesn’t make any other person right, or us wrong, or vice versa, if we disagree with the way they behave? If it doesn’t directly threaten us, then they are what they are and we like them, or we don’t – period!

 

Tags: Culture & Relationships, Feminism, Lipstick Feminism, personal relationships, sex, Sexism, sexual relationships, society, women, womens rights